When you read a book about negotiation, it seems like you should be able to get exactly what you want.
However, when you go out into the real world, your negotiating turns to custard. Others don't seem to agree with your terms, and you're left hanging. Often this problem arises because of a simple set of stages that we ignore.
In this article, we look at those three stages and see how they boost our negotiating power, without us doing anything extraordinary.
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Imagine you needed some coffee to be ground, and the only place you could do it was at a Starbucks near your house.
Would you succeed in accomplishing this mission? What I'm about to tell you is a real-life scenario. A client read an excellent book on negotiation and decided to put that knowledge into practice.
He decided to try to get the Starbucks guy to grind his coffee—and so the plan was implemented. I waited while he went to the cafe to get the coffee ground.
When the client returned, I asked whether he had achieved his mission.
You probably know the answer, don't you? He'd failed in his mission, and he was slightly perplexed. Was it because he got the negotiation wrong? Was it because there were too many objections?
For instance, the coffee could have been contaminated. Maybe the Starbucks guy is not allowed to grind anybody else's coffee. Maybe there's a company policy in place.
But what about the negotiation?
Because when you look at negotiation, you're not dealing with familiar territory. It's like a kidnapper that has taken away your child. You want the child back. But here's the biggest question of all in every negotiation: whether you're dealing with someone at the cafe, a kidnap, or a business meeting.
The question is, what do they want? Not what do you want? Because that's tunnel vision. We all go into a situation where we look at what we want. But the question is, what do they want?
My first question to this client was, what is the name of the barista?
And he couldn't give me his name. Where does he live? What's his family background? Is he familiar with you? What does he want? All these questions need answers.
At a fundamental level, there are three things that anybody wants. So, let's take on those three things, shall we?
Let's keep this really simple so that you can remember it and use it in further negotiations.
- The first thing that most people want is acknowledgement.
- The second is they want something for themselves.
- And the third is they want something for somebody else.
Stage 1: What most people want is acknowledgement.
On October 19, 1948, an ad ran in the New York Times.
This was when newspapers were large, and you'd hold them in front of you, and they would cover your face and half your body. And that was the size of the ad. It had 6450 words. There was no photograph, drawing, table, chart, or graph, just a page full of 6450 words.
By some coincidence, this ad by Merrill Lynch was the longest in the history of the New York Times. The headline wasn't spectacular. It just said ‘What everybody ought to know about this stock and bond business.”
Did the ad have results? A month after publication, 5033 requests were received; 4000 were in the first week, 3534 by mail, 947 by telephone, and 552 visitors to the Merrill Lynch offices.
Urban legends say that over time, Merrill Lynch received over 3 million responses. Of course, we are all impressed by these results—we're impressed with the fancy numbers.
However, Louis Engel Jr., the copywriter of this ad, wasn't solely obsessed with the details.
He was looking at negotiating with the American people. America had been through this whirlpool called the Great Depression, and people wanted nothing to do with Wall Street, stocks, bonds, or investing. They stayed away from looking at or reading any information. People were simply not interested.
Louis Engel Jr. acknowledged these people who wanted to change how they invested. Yes, the ad got results. But what was most extraordinary, Engel recalled, was that we got hundreds and hundreds of long and thoughtful letters.
Some respondents were profusely appreciative. One person wrote, “God bless Merrill Lynch. I've been wanting to know this all my life. I've owned stocks and bonds but never knew what I owned.”
Do you see what just happened there?
When we write a sales page, make a presentation, or just try to get a kid to give up their toy and go to bed—what we're doing is negotiating. We first have to acknowledge the other person because, without that acknowledgement, we become strangers. Nobody wants to listen to us.
When you go to a cafe and if you don't know the name of your barista, you don't know the name of the server, you don't know anything about anyone, there is no reason for them to know anything about you or want to do anything for you.
Then, what we are left with is merely a transaction.
You exchange money, goods, and information, and they give you the same. But you haven't created any sort of leverage because you've not acknowledged them. And this acknowledgement business is so obtuse because it's hard to nail down how you will acknowledge them.
I'll give you an example.
We were in a cafe in Frankfurt with our friend Hermann, sitting on the mezzanine, one floor up. The waitress had to climb up back and forth several times a day and carry the cakes, coffee, and whatever anybody ordered.
This was about 3.30 or 4 p.m. It was a hot day, and the waitress made one more trudge. As she approached our table, Renuka said, “Oh, this must be so tiring to go up and down, and up and down the whole day.”
You don't have to be there to know what happened next. The waitress was extremely helpful and attentive to us from that moment on. When you acknowledge somebody, they change completely. They change their behaviour quite drastically.
If you're thinking , “Well, I'm going to convert someone. I'm going to change the way they think. I'm going to do something because I've read a book or listened to a podcast,” then you missed out on the basic principle.
The basic principle is that first, you must acknowledge the other person.
One of the easiest ways to acknowledge somebody is to describe what they might be going through or just ask for their name. You'll be surprised at how many people go through life in a nameless, faceless way because they're just there in the background doing something, and then we go through a transaction.
When you ask for someone's name, you change the dynamics.
When you learn a little about them, you go beyond what most people do. And when you acknowledge the situation that they're in, you're behaving like a human being should. And these are not checkboxes.
This is just the acknowledgement factor because if you're dealing with your three-year-old who doesn't want to go to bed, they already know their name and know that you know their background, but you haven't acknowledged their situation.
And that's why they're throwing that mega tantrum because everybody, regardless of their age, situation or power, wants to be acknowledged. And that is the first and probably the most important rule of negotiation. You have to know the person that you're dealing with, and you have to acknowledge the situation that they're in.
Only then can we go to the second part: knowing what they want.
Stage 2: Knowing what they want
In South Africa, there is a flower that only one insect can access. Orphium flowers don't contain nectar. Instead, they provide bees with pollen. Yet, not every insect can access the pollen.
If you look closely at an orphium flower, you'll find that the stamens are twisted, preventing the pollen from being stolen by visiting insects. Only one insect has access to the pollen in that Orphium flower.
That insect is the female carpenter bee.
When she approaches the Orphium flower, her flapping wings buzz. Yet that sound doesn't get the flower to react, and the stamens remain locked. At this point, the bee changes the beat of her wings, creating what we'd call the C note. That simple act seemingly gets the flower to unlock and shower the bee with pollen.
That's just nature doing its thing. But notice the bee came in with her agenda. And the Orphium flower? It is not interested—not at all. It only opens when it hears the C note.
When negotiating with someone, we have to know what they want. There is a problem, though. You don't know what they want, and they often don't, either.
When I was doing the presentation on The Brain Audit, I'd tell this story.
I went to the store to buy a desk. The options presented to me were based on price. One desk was $200, and the other was $300. It wasn't a difficult choice to make. We'd just moved to New Zealand and had a very strict budget. Naturally, I decided the $200 desk was good enough for me.
Yet somehow, I bought the $300 desk.
How did that happen? The salesman showed me the differences between the desks. He said that the $200 desk was made of that particle board and that it wasn't something he'd recommend. It's a bit like “Weetbix” (breakfast cereal).
It's not very good quality and not long-lasting. He went on to point out the sides of the desk. Finally, he asked for my colour preference. I said I preferred “black”. As it turned out, the $200 desk was unavailable in black. It was available in beige and white—not black.
I ended up buying the $300 desk. How did the salesman get me to go up 50% on my budget?
He figured out that I didn't know what I wanted. The only way he could get me to move quite considerably, despite having a budget, was to have this conversation with me.
Do we really have conversations?
We're on the internet these days. We try to collect data from how people do things, how they act, and what they click on. We've forgotten that people chatter a lot and that if you just speak to them, you will find out what they want. But first, you have to go through the stages.
Step one you have to acknowledge them.
Take, for instance, the curious case of the Birkin bag. A new one costs around $10,000. And a vintage one would probably cost around $450,000 at auction. The people who want to buy this bag are socialites, movie stars, or wannabes.
You can't just go into the store and buy it. You have to be invited. You can only get asked if you buy scarves, belts, shoes, perfume, and jewellery. You have to keep buying from this store for weeks or months in advance. Only then will the Hermes company send you an invitation.
The invitation is inconsistent.
You can spend $30,000, $40,000, or $60,000, and only at some point do they decide you qualify. So, in this case, the company is not trying to sell something.
It's the customer that's trying to buy something.
First, they have to acknowledge the company. They have to go and buy A, B, C, D, who knows. Maybe they have to keep buying. In that wacko way, they're acknowledging the company.
And then the Birkin people, they say, “Okay, fine. We get what you want and give it to you because you've had this conversation with us by buying thousands of dollars worth of goods.”
You've always got to ask yourself, what do they want? We've looked at the first two steps, but there is a third step: what do they wish for someone else?
Stage 3: Knowing what they want (for others)
One of my favourite books when I started business was Harvey MacKay's Swim with the Sharks Without Being Eaten Alive. I don't know whether this story was in that particular book, but I read a lot of Harvey MacKay back then. His envelope company couldn't get a breakthrough with a client.
One day, while sitting in the CEO's room, the CEO mentions that his son is collecting stamps with trains on them. Most people are so busy or focused on their wants that they ignore these side conversations.
You might be on WhatsApp with your client, and they start talking about some bizarre converter for their pen, or they might speak of some kind of foodstuff they like. You pay attention, but not quite. It's also unlikely that you'll act upon these side conversations.
It's natural for us to then swing back to our own agenda and talk about the food we like.
We don't entirely pay attention to what they're saying. The reality is they're not telling you anything in particular. However, that's what distinguishes good negotiators from the average ones—listening matters. Making notes and acting on those notes is even better.
Harvey McKay searched for the stamps with trains and delivered them to the CEO.
He'd been paying attention to the side conversation. Most of us don't listen at all. We're absorbed in our worlds. When someone tells us something, we want to tell our own story or go ahead with our own agenda.
If you pay attention, you will find that suddenly, you can negotiate with them without having to negotiate. That's what Harvey McKay found.
He didn't get the results he wanted right away, but the CEO called him somewhere down the line and said, “Hey, that envelope thing that you mentioned, we need some envelopes.” And that's how he got an inroad into the company.
You might think, well, I know this trick–but it's not a trick.
It's a human need. People need to be acknowledged. And if you're paying attention and acting on it—you ARE negotiating.
Negotiations aren't necessarily something that you read in a book.
You can start your journey the next time you head to the cafe. Go up to your barista and ask for their name. Yes, even if they have a badge, then ask them a few details. And then do that for a second barista, a third, and a fourth until you know everyone in the cafe.
You're not doing this because of some game you're playing.
You're just doing this because you're a human being. You and I, we're human beings. We need to be acknowledged. We need to acknowledge how tired somebody is or how difficult the day has been and not just indulge in small talk. Then, you can extrapolate that learning pretty much anywhere you want.
Epilogue:
I shall pass this way, but once. If there's anything that I can do, let me do it now. ‘Cause I'll never pass this way again.
Well, I think if you do pay attention, and act on things, you will pass that way many times. People will be happy to see you and work with you. Being a normal human being who's focused is on others is the best form of negotiation I've ever seen.
Ironically, it all works out well for you too!
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